BlondeAmbitchin'

Y'all just think it, but I write it out loud

You are ALL equally my favorite child….period…


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All I was trying to do was share something that I thought was a bit entertaining.

Well, I think it was pretty dang funny, actually.

BUT, you’ d think by now that I would have learned, that no matter how hard I try or how well meaning my intentions are…it’s S’NOT FAIR!!!

If you read my last post, you may now be thinking I am a little obsessed with snot/boogers.

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Oh no no no.  Nope. S’not true. (hahah!)

See, my telling that story about my 3 girls led to them bickering about who was the star of that story!

Really?

Yep.

So while B tries to convince C that she is clearly the reason everyone would want to read the story, after all, who doesn’t love a princess, right?

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And C tells her that everyone really loves a good booger story better than a dumb, always-screaming-first-thing-in-the-morning sister who thinks she’s a princess , and besides that, she is only the princess-of-bird-poop, so yeah, a booger story is way better…

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I am going to try to alleviate the potential for a mutiny in the kingdom and play fair and tell you something else that’s funny,  now starring T, aka#3…

 

All right.

With the lovely B gone for the day in first grade, and C in her half day pre-k program….that left T with me.

I must add, the people in charge of the dang pre-k program give you just enough time to go home, get your 3 year old out of her car seat, let the dog out, let the dog back in, and then turn around and load your kid back into the car seat and head back to pick up your pre-k kid.

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Or maybe, if you only need a couple things, you can run to the grocery store down the road from the pre-k and hope the dog, who has THE worst body clock ever, and doesn’t ever poop until 11 am, no matter how you adjust his feeding schedule, or take him out 500 times, ugh, yeah…
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Anyhow, hoping and praying that he doesn’t poop in the house while we’re gone, I decide to run to the store for just a couple of things, hoping that if I hurry and then go back and get C, then rush right home, we might get home before the dog decides to redecorate my hallway.

I grab T, who can, of course, get herself out of her car seat, and walk herself into the store, and climb into the cart herself, thereby protesting and squirming because I had to do the old grab, run, and plop move to get her into the store on my terms, since we were on such a tight schedule.

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As I secured T in the shopping cart seat, she was chattering non-stop, asking why she couldn’t get out of her own car seat, (haha, come on, T, that was 3 moves ago, I mean, look, kid, we are already in the store!) and I was trying my best to distract her, while also trying my best to remember what we had come in this store to get.

As I bagged up some apples, T, of course, wanted to “help”…ugh…what aisle was the duct tape in, anyhow? This kid really needed some about now…(kidding)

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I handed her her own bag with one apple inside which of course was not what she wanted, but being as I did not want the other bag with 8 apples to be pulled open and then me having to chase them across the floor before they caused a catastrophe, I kept pushing the cart, while trying to run interference on this unhappy 3 year old…In desperation, as I stood behind an old lady who was poking at the packages of ground meat, right in front of the display I needed to get to, I plopped my purse in T’s lap and said, ” can you be a really big girl and please hold Mommy’s purse?”  Very happy to be able to earn the distinction of “big girl”, T happily complied. “Yes, yes, mommy, I am being your big girl!”

Whew, right?

No. Not even close.  I was bombarded with excitement and a bubbling commentary, “Mommy, Mommy, MOOOOOOMY, look at my big girl shoes” …

“Yes, T, they are so pretty!” (where are the stupid green beans in this store anyhow?) and “Mommy, Mommy, look at my big girl dress!” …”Yes, how beautiful, T, such a big girl!” ( and milk, oh yeah, where’s the dang milk in this place?)

I raced around the store,  and noticed a few people staring at my charming little daughter. After all, I know she was really cute, in her little sundress and pigtails.

But, I figured I better smile and calm down, as I was sure they would think I was a neglectful parent when such a sweet 3 year old was just trying to get my attention, so I did smile, thinking, yes, yes, this is my little cutie-pie, isn’t she adorable? (Where is the stupid bleach? I just know I will need it for the front entryway now…)

T was still chirping…”MOOOOOOOMMMMY, look at my eer-wings, look at my big girl eer-wings, Mommy!”

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Let me say here that although I did not think the girls should have pierced ears until they were old enough to care for them themselves, I did allow those little sticker earrings, and the girls all loved them. I was thinking in the back of my mind that T was referring to those little stickers one of her sisters must have stuck to her earlobes this morning. “Yes, T, your earrings are just adorable! You are beautiful!” I absently answered back to her, while still dodging the senior citizen slow motion population who were panicking me, I mean, I had like 5 minutes to check out and get back to pre-k, remember? Why were they all stopping and staring at me? Come on, move it, people!

Still, T kept up her happy dialog. “MOOOOMY, Mommy, Mommy, my eer-wings are like a big girl, right? I am a big girl! My eer-wings are boootiful, right, Mommy? Right, Mommy?”

“YES, T!” I practically shouted, as I dodged yet another couple of statue-like senior citizens, who were frozen in the middle of the aisle, with their mouths agape. What was the issue? I hoped they wasn’t unwell.

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I was headed into the home stretch and happened to glance down at T when she asked me if I wanted to put on her eer-wing…”Mommy, you try my eer-wing, here, you try Mommy, Mommy, want to try my eer-wing?” UGH!!!! “Ok, T, thank you, I love it when you share, let me try on your W H A T???”

I stopped in my tracks, completely dumbfounded….

As I looked at my gorgeous daughter, who was happily swinging her head back and forth to make her earrings move….I now saw that she had apparently gone into my purse and “made” her own earrings…NOT the stick-on kind….but, my sweet little T, she had unwrapped and proceeded to hang over her ears, 2 TAMPONS!!!

NOOOOO!

Suddenly I knew why everyone in the store was staring at us, I understood them stopping in their tracks.

Oh. my. God.

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My reaction was to try to snatch them off of her ears, which sent her into full-blown hysterics. Meanwhile, I guess word had spread and people were coming around the aisles to get a peek at the crazy lady who’s kid had tampons hanging from her ears…so now I was holding one tampon, while having a tug of war over the other one with a kicking, screaming, 3 year old…ohhhhhhh…..I did the first think I could think of to do, I grabbed a nearby giant sized Hershey bar and stuffed it into her hands.

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T immediately stopped mid-scream, totally shocked by the enormous candy bar I had shoved at her. I can not imagine her little mind comprehending this, and didn’t much care about consequence at this point, either…I jammed the tampons back into my purse and headed for the check out. My face was beet red, I had sweat beads dripping down the sides of my head. I was beyond mortified.

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People behind me whispered, wondering if that was the tampon lady and her kid in front of them. I didn’t care, I focused on breathing in, and out.

I checked out, ran for the car and loaded the now chocolate covered T and my groceries in. We made it to pre-k in the nick of time to pick up C, who scrunched up her face and asked if I knew that T had pooped everywhere! Naturally, I said oh yes, yuck, yuck,  T had pooped like crazy, and C asked why it didn’t smell bad, but, always the agreeable one, she just happily went to sit in the way-back seat, and stayed away from her poopy sister. I got T home and into the tub before B, the logical one, came home and was tipped off by the sweet smelling, yet gross looking T, and busted me giving treats to her sister when she wasn’t around.

 

Although the ensuing diarrhea that poor T suffered from for the next day and a half from ingesting all that chocolate was nothing compared to the inconvenience inflicted upon me…after all, I could not go back to that store for the next year (at least)….sigh…

 

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Yeah, T, my big girl, you’re a star… View details

 

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July 11, 2013 Posted by | 50, age, boogers, brilliant ideas, dog, fabulous, funny, gross, Hilarious, parenting, sharing, sweat, thankful, Truth, WHAT the BLEEP?? | , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Out of the mouths (and noses) of babes…


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Did you ever have one of those days?

Of course you have.

We all do.

But…mine tend to be really, REALLY top of the charts, can-you-even-believe-it moments.

For example.

Here’s a fabulous “Mommy Moment”.

Setting the scene:

Yeah, you know those kind of days where you wake up exhausted, with a to-do list that seems to grow instead of shrink as you check things off?

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Your kids, who are mostly usually pretty good, choose today as their day to be as uncooperative as they can…yah, not just one, but all 3, as if they have some sort of a let’s-coordinate-and-all-torture-Mommy-together conspiracy…

Anyhow, with 3 little girls at the time, a job, plus mandatory volunteering time at the Catholic School Cafeteria (perfect topic for a later post) , sometimes, I had really busy days.

On this particular day, my oldest little princess, we will call her “B” (and no that’s NOT mean, her name in real life begins with the letter B, honest!) well, she was upset because her purple dress did not twirl properly.

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It was her favorite perfect purplely purple color, and it absolutely, positively twirled right the last time she wore it, so, obviously, her younger sister was in big trouble for breaking it.

Poor “C”,  her younger sister,  just matter-of-factly accepted the fact that her older, extraordinarily dramatic sister was putting full blame on her, and simply kept eating her cereal, not seeming to even acknowledge B’ s incredible fury, which, of course, further incensed B’s 6-year old little self…

I had to admire C’s calm demeanor, though. For all of her sisters drama, this little girl amazingly has the same amount of reason and ease.

B stomped over to C, and with her face just inches away from her sister, told her, “You better help me twirl right or I’m not gonna play with you ever, ever, ever again!”

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C  just calmly kept eating, but, reached up,  dug in, and pulled out a fabulous, stretchy booger, and then in one smooth swipe, reached out and wiped it on B’s perfect purplely purple dress.

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Yeah…B went into full blown hysterics, jumping around, flailing, spinning and squealing at her special trademark ear drum piercing tone.

I was trying, all the while, to help dress daughter “T”, who, as you can probably imagine, had already decided that at age 3, she did not need my help…but, I shouted (had to shout to be heard!)” C, why on earth would you wipe a booger on your sister’s favorite dress? ” and she looked up at me with complete innocence in her big blue eyes and said “Mommy, B said to make her dress twirl, and look, it’s twirling!” And, sure enough, as B raced around in her full blown rant, the dress was twirling around her in a glorious purplely purple swoosh!

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B miraculously suddenly stops screeching, as she, too, realizes that she has apparently reached a wondrous level of twirl. She scrunches up her face and says to C, “you’re lucky my dress is fixed, now I will jump rope with you after school”. C just kept eating, but nodded her head and said “thanks, B”.

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I, in the meantime, had wrestled my 3-year old into her outfit for the day, plopped her into her booster seat to have breakfast, and glanced at the clock, seeing that it was still before 7am…and knowing this day would most certainly fuel me with many more blogging excerpts…

 

 

 

July 9, 2013 Posted by | boogers, funny, gross, Hilarious, parenting, Really?!, sharing, thankful | , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

You’re DEAD to Me


 

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First of all, here’s me, saying right upfront, that I am most certainly not insensitive to the whole death thing. My Mom and Dad are both in heaven now, as well as numerous relatives and friends. Yeah, I do know quite a few angels. But, that’s not the point, that’s just thrown out there to thwart any criticism if/when any of you darling readers jump to conclusions and think I am just a cold-hearted, insensitive schmuck. Cause I’m not.

Ok.

Here’s my thing.

I hate the whole way that Americans (I don’t know about all of the other countries so I can’t say the whole world) but, I hate, hate, hate the traditional way Americans do death! I know that some religions dictate slight variances, but I am addressing the most widely known, traditional funeral method.

Seriously!

A person dies.

That is sad because others will miss that person.

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But.

Who in their right mind decided that everyone who cared about that person would want to actually see them dead?

Or, for that matter, that the dead person would want to be seen??

YEEPS!

Now you know, there are many circumstances which result in death. So, sometimes, people may not look so good. But, they’re dead, so I think its asking a lot for them to look their best anyhow.

But, the undertaker actually gets a photo and tries to use make up and stuff to make a person look GOOD.

What what WHAT?!?

You’re dead. You no longer have to do your hair or make up or anything. But, tradition dictates that you’ve gotta be seen at one last viewing.

What the heck for?

Did you ever hear people comment as they look at the deceased, “Oh my, they look good!”

NO! No, they don’t look good, they are dead! Come on!

I can’t stand the fact that there are usually 1-3 days to come and view a dead person.

I sure don’t want anyone looking at me. No thanks. That’s just rude!

I understand saying goodbye. But everyone knows that maybe, sometimes it happens that you’re number is up and you just gotta go. No time for goodbye.

That doesn’t mean you didn’t love someone or that they won’t be missed.

When people come to the viewing, it’s not like the viewee even had a say so of who gets invited!

That in itself is rude. You have no choice. And, since they’re  dead, they can’t say goodbye to you, and they really aren’t doing anything except laying there dead, with funky make up and wrongly combed hair, stiffly posed (yah, great pun there!) and probably not even in the outfit they’d want!

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Tell me, exactly how is that a good send off?

I would much rather think of a person as I knew them, alive and well, laughing and happy.

Not dead.

That’s just not a good memory to me.

So why not change the horrible tradition and instead, have a remembering party?

Yes, a party!

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Everyone who cared about a dead person gathers and brings food, (maybe probably also alcohol) and they play some good music and all tell stories about good times with that person!

That’s absolutely a positive, loving, warm, very best send off, I think!

You will cry sometimes, because you miss the deceased, but don’t you think they would want people to remember them and smile, not just cry and sob?

I know I prefer happy memories for sure.

So if we do away with the 3 day viewing of the dead person, and we instead have a fabulous remembering party, isn’t that a much more positive way to remember and honor a person instead of looking at them just laying there dead?

I really think so!

I hate funerals and the horrible sadness associated with them. It is so awful to see people standing by the casket, wracked with grief, and then you walk up and say, “I’m sorry for your loss”…

Well, chances are it wasn’t specifically your fault so I don’t know why people apologize like that, its not a very comforting thing to say.

And second of all, that is really not very soothing to someone who has just lost a loved one, to say you’re sorry for their loss. I’m sure they really take that comment to heart and feel instantly better.

Or not.

Wouldn’t it be better to tell them what that person meant to you?

To tell them a funny story or share a good memory about the person?

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I think that would feel much better to them to have that kind of feedback instead of all the “I’m sorry for your loss” lines people keep saying.

At a recent funeral of an 89 year old relative, most people would nod and say, as they filed past and peered into the casket “Oh, he looks so good!”

No, he did not look good, you crazy people! He is 92 years old and dead!

His poor lips were sewn shut, as evidenced by the pull lines around his mouth, and it was obvious that he had a face full of make up on!

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Seriously, his blush made him look like an old rag doll! A brave aunt had tried the old spit-on-the-Kleenex-and-rub-some-off- trick, but that effort only left two longer finger sized smears that looked like war paint instead. Oh my goodness. My cousin and I had to stay away for fear of laughing and subsequently getting reprimanded by the serious older folks in attendance at this funeral.

It is more of a social event to them for sure. They discuss how the deceased looks, how he died, what he’s wearing and of course, who else is in attendance. They cluck and shake their heads at the tragedy, or if it was an “expected” death, as in after an illness, it was deemed a blessing.

Either way, there is no good vibe in the building.

Following the viewing part of this aforementioned funeral, I had asked my Aunt if we could all share a nice memory of the deceased when we were all back at her house putting away the plates and pots and bowls of food that friends had brought over and she said, “No, dear, I think that would be too much for today.” I didn’t press her but just thought that she is so old and simply believes that this is the way you must send someone off and she was unwilling to deviate from this tradition. Dang it.

Which brings me back to my original idea- let’s have some good follow up when someone moves on out of this life! It would sure make an easier transition for many, knowing that their family will be supported by well-wishers and remembered with positive thoughts instead of being sadly mourned.

I still don’t know why we have to look at dead people to say goodbye.

I think we should remember them as we knew them, alive, smiling, and having chosen their own outfits, rather than posed, made up and just dead.

So, although I may be sorry for your loss, I won’t tell you that, and I won’t go look in the casket. I  want to keep my memories of the deceased just as they were to me. Not of them being dead.

Alright, that’s all I’ve got now, carry on, everyone, but…don’t be afraid to change something if you think you may have a better way.

 

 

July 6, 2013 Posted by | 50, brilliant ideas, changing times, giving, grateful, old, parenting, Really?!, sad, sharing, Think About It, tradition, Truth, WHAT the BLEEP?? | , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Wipe that sh*t eatin’ grin off your face…


 

I think that commercials are designed with the belief that we, as a group, are stoopid.

Advertising techniques prove this.

Tell me…

Why does toilet paper need a commercial?

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I mean, come on.

WHO is NOT buying this already?

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I am thinking that probably everyone uses toilet paper, right, so…why is there money spent on advertising and promoting styles and thicknesses and sizes of rolls?

Shouldn’t it be pretty standard?

Are we that gullible that we can be swayed by one televised skit depicting a family of bears using the right amount of this very efficient brand of toilet paper versus a family bragging about the lovely, cushy brand they use?

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And we pay for this necessity (I know, we could improvise, use a different method, not buy it, but, NO, stop right there, that’s not the subject here) and in buying it, we, in part, fund the commercials that make us think we need that specific kind. We could get a cheaper brand, I mean LOOK what you DO with it, and where it GOES,  right?

Think of the significantly reduced product cost if you get rid of those unnecessary expenses in advertising and promotional productions!

But, no, the manufacturers know that they can absolutely capture our attention and sway us into believing that we NEED their specific version of this product, and it IS the best one to buy,  as we continually watch and be easily persuaded by their frivolous commercials.

That’s a buncha sh*t.

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I say we ought to boycott all of these dumb commercials until they just quit making them.

You know,  we can choose our necessities without any pressure from companies to buy theirs.

Then all the stuff they stop advertising would be cheaper for us to buy without the expense of advertising tacked on.

We could have shows with no commercials (and then we could be watching more TV shows even faster, right?)

Fabulous.

But, as for now, the sh*t eating grins that adorn the faces of the advertising execs on their way to the bank

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just get bigger and sh*ttier, as we easily fall for their fluffy, soft gimmick, be it squeezing the Charmin or choosing the quilted comfort that they subliminally (or boldly) convince us we need…

…when in truth, the sh*t eaters seem to be us 😦

 

 

March 25, 2013 Posted by | brilliant ideas, changing times, fabulous, funny, Hilarious, Really?!, sharing, Summer, Think About It, tradition, Truth | , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Aging is GOOD, whether you’re cheese or meat…


Now, relax, I am not talking about aged meat for consumption.

Eww.

I mean meat as in a human, you know, living meat, so to speak.  Yep.

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I already know that green, fuzzy, rank smelling ground beef or graying, putrid steak or gelled, gooey, rancid pork chops would be bad for you, and that’s why I am not at all saying that old meat is good for anything, unless of course,  you hide it under your ex’s car seat while he is parked in long term parking at the airport and away on a business trip in the summertime heat…Just sayin…but.

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Eww.

 

 

 

 

 

Ok. Back to the topic…

I am saying that old people are fabulous!

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Not that I’m even old, really.

I mean, yeah, technically I am still in my 40’s (shut up all you 20-30-somethings, this will be you very soon!) but I have been watching a lot of friends over the last couple of years celebrate their 50th birthday.

When did 50 turn into such a chic number? (This year, right?)

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When we were, ahem, younger, we thought 50 was like so oooollllldddd.

Totally out of touch.

Welp, that was wrong. I mean, 50 is really an accomplishment !

Just look at all that I have done and have learned!

I am strong and fit and happy and almost 50. Oh dear.

The kids are mostly grown and gone. The older ones are married and starting their own families. That would make me, gasp, a Grandma.

Now back when I was a kid, my Grandma was ancient.

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All wrinkly and gray haired and slow moving.

Very nice and sweet, for sure, but definitely old.

I could not imagine her going down the slide with me at the playground or playing hopscotch, or Chinese jump rope.

She gave us treats and would have us sit beside her on the couch and she might tell a story or two.

But, the lives and times of Grandmas have changed!

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They are no longer “old” as a requirement. Grandmas today are active and vibrant and young!

Even if they are going to be 50 sometime this year!

50 is an important number. It is probably your halfway point. That’s a sobering thought, isn’t it? Not that I am not sober right now, well, it is Saturday, so just never mind my sobriety right now.

But. To get past all the horrible milestones in order to be able to finally let my hair down (so to speak, it actually is down today) and to be able to carry on with grace and faith and confidence in myself and my own decisions is  truly something to be celebrated.

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I made it out of my 20’s after having married, having kids, and all the while keeping up with  what I was supposed to be- a mom, a wife, a caretaker and caregiver.

 

 

 

blog30cake As I rolled into my 30’s with a little more confidence, I began to listen to that song in my heart.

 

 

I was still careful to not actually sing it out loud, but I was also brave enough to sometimes deviate from what others expected of me and to sometimes do things my way (Thanks, Frank Sinatra, you do inspire me!)

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Then, I approached my 40’s with a sense of disbelief. Where had the time gone? 40? I used to have friends when I was a kid, and their parents were in their 40’s! Why did it seem like they were so, so much older back then? Yeeps!

 

I, however, made the transition into my 40’s and did not take for granted the compliments I would receive about looking like a sister to my grown daughters, those comments were so needed in order to validate my own sense of not being old. Because I’m NOT old. Duh.

 

Now, as 50 is approaching, I am not happy about the stigma attached to that  number.

 

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I am NOT old.

 

I am strong and fit and happy. I can run (if I want to). I can go down the slide (and do) with my grandchildren. I play hopscotch and Chinese jump rope with the kids and grandkids. And I can belt out the song in my heart without any shyness or worry about what anyone else is gonna think.

I, physically, am good.

And, mentally, I am even better.

I have learned to let the small stuff go, and yeah, it mostly is all small stuff. I have learned to not live to please anyone else but myself. (Mostly.)

You can’t be happy until you are happy. And you won’t be happy if you just go through your days doing what others expect from you and not doing what you really want.

What makes you really smile? Only you know that answer.

I love to write. I have more drafts than publishes, but I am writing and that makes me happy.

I finally decided  to be true to my heart after I had lost sight of my own self  for years while raising kids and making sure I was doing everything I had to do for them. But, as they started to graduate and go to college and make fabulous lives for themselves, I wondered where I stood.

I mean, if you are no longer “Mommy” after 30-ish years on the job, who the bleep are you?

Welp, you get to find out! And it is not nearly as scary as you’d think. Well, it actually is, but you have to be brave. You have to know that 50 is not an age, it is a milestone!

So, no matter what age you are, you need to know that it just doesn’t matter.

Age is just a number.

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I mean, how old would you be if you did not know your birthday? I think I would be fine picking right here, right now.

I know I wouldn’t want to struggle through my 20’s again, although that body I took for granted then would be fabulous to have again now, right?

And 30’s, well, no. I don’t want to go back. I have learned many lessons and I am grateful that I am smart enough to take away the lesson and leave behind the crap.

40’s? Fun times. I don’t even think that, as you go through your 40’s, you understand that suddenly, the next thing in store for you is going to be your 50’s!

It sounds so much worse than it is! (right?!)

I am going to embrace 50 and my 50’s and enjoy every minute! Because, yeah, I may be blonde, but I can count…and I know what comes after the 50’s…and I am definitely not ready to think about that yet!

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Here’s to 50, age looks good on you, you old piece of meat !

March 23, 2013 Posted by | changing times, fabulous, funny, giving, grateful, Hilarious, parenting, Really?!, sharing, thankful, Think About It, tradition, Truth | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Yeah….no one likes a ‘like-er’


When everyone tends to go along with a general opinion, without giving it their own thought, it makes me crazy!

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But, as we all know…

People tend to do things en masse.

As a group.

Noone thinks for themselves anymore.

We “like” what our “friends” like, literally.

Y’all communicate through Facebook and Twitter.

You think you have all these “friends”.

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Well, ya don’t.

You may meet new people online but you really don’t show your whole self to most of these cyber friends, like you do with the people who know you ‘in person’ .

Being a good person isn’t validated in any way by the number of “likes’ you can get on a post or the number of “friends” you can have.

blogthumbs_up_you_like_this_bumper_sticker-p128096592726024722trl0_400Yet you spend time waiting to see who “likes” your posts. And you “like” other people’s things as well, especially if they already have a lot of “likes” , I mean, come on, you want to be a part of those “like-ers  and “like” that popular post, don’t you? Yep. I know .

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How much time do you spend a day browsing through these “friends” statuses?

Too much, I bet!

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I get tired of the oddballs and creepers.

And.

I really hate the people who post extremely motivating and positively illuminating statuses every single day.

You know those people are just one motivating, helpful, joyous status update away from a nervous breakdown, dontcha?

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People sure do post the strangest kinds of  pictures in their status- oh, don’t get me started!

How about one of my favorite FB pet peeves,  these self portraits taken in bathrooms?

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REALLY?

You can go anywhere, ANYWHERE, you have a camera, and you choose to take a picture, in, of

all places, a bathroom?

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Go anywhere you want- go outside!

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Go to any other room you choose!

Just, please, STOP with the bathroom pictures!

Why do you even do that?

And then people ‘like” the picture?

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What do they like? The toilet? The towels? The shower curtain? I don’t get it!

blogtoiletpooppiccartoonWe ALL know that “Bathroom”= “pooping” (and peeing and stuff).

So…a bathroom is NOT the cleanest, happiest, most pleasant picture background!

So… STOP! Don’t take a picture of yourself in a bathroom and post it!

Seriously!

Also.

Mangy, neglected animal pictures.

Come on.

That’s so sad.

Don’t post that.

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I can’t, at that time,  do anything about it,  and I hate to see such sadness.

I do know there is animal cruelty in the world.

But your incessant posting of abused and neglected animal pictures really doesn’t help the animals.

At all.

Unless you “like” it….then the situation will change? Right?  NO IT WON’T!

Get off Facebook and go volunteer at a shelter. Go hold a bake sale and raise money to donate to help abused animals.

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You act so concerned by posting these pictures, right?

In truth,  we both know that you probably are NOT going to actually help that cause,  so just quit posting those awful pictures, will ya?

(Or, seriously DO something about your “cause” !) Getting a large number of “like”s is NOT going to save an animal’s life! It is NOT!  blogthumbs_up_you_like_this_bumper_sticker-p128096592726024722trl0_400

I thought FB was supposed to be a social site where you can update your family and friends as to all the fun, new and exciting things happening in your life, not as a forum for random causes! Especially causes that are cited and the posting person thinks that they have actually helped the cause by posting a picture or a sad story about it. And, how did this help? It didn’t! You are not doing a thing other than being annoying!

I used to like to see what others were doing, but now I would rather stay away from my own timeline. I sneakily just de-friend people with the most antagonizingly annoying posts, like the everyday numerous quotes of bible verses from the most un-Christian-like people, or the baby photos from the new parents documenting every waking moment of their bald, wrinkly, geriatric-looking little bundle of joy…or those all time favorite rantings about various causes and, of course, the owners of the dreaded bathroom pictures…really, even if you post a new bathroom picture frequently, let me tell you that you still don’t look any better than you did in the last one, and you must spend an awfully lot of time in various bathrooms…hope you are at least washing your hands…

So. I am pretty much over the disaster that FB has become. I am not impressed with your cause, your kids, your morning coffee pic, your stupid cat, or your updates boasting about your gym visits.

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I am happy to reconnect with certain friends, but also happy that I am blonde and can get away with saying, “What do you mean you’re not my friend anymore? How did that happen? I so enjoyed all your motivational posts, your bible quotes, your sleeping cat pics, and your baby’s 500 milestones everyday you post about! Crazy FB must have somehow unconnected us, that’s awful!”

Yeah, really. Thank you, FB, for at least having a delete button.

This, I “like”.

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March 23, 2013 Posted by | brilliant ideas, funny, grateful, gross, Hilarious, parenting, Really?!, sharing, thankful, Think About It, tradition, Truth, WHAT the BLEEP?? | , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

The “N” Word


 

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Yup.

The “N” word.

I say it all the time.

I don’t see the big deal.

Maybe that’s the problem.

I mean, it’s a word that is really hardly ever heard anymore, but the meaning is definitely clear and widely known. 

Right?

When was it decided that we should not use the “N” word because it offends people?

That is ridiculous!

When I was a kid, I heard very frequently, practically all day long, every day.

Seriously.

My parents would shout it, neighbors could be heard saying it, even yelling it, my grandparents, even my teachers had no qualms about saying the “N” word, time after time after time.

But, I didn’t claim it was ruining my childhood, that it was wrong to subject me to this.

More often than not, I simply accepted it as the way it was and that was that. 

But now, it seems that no one wants to say it.

 

You rarely hear the “N” word anymore!

Especially concerning kids.

And you wonder why this generation is so disrespectful and rude. 

What might change if we did begin, once again, to make the “N” word a part of our daily vocabulary as parents and community members?

It just might bring about some necessary changes!

Just try it….

Try calmly saying the “N’ word to your kids.

Or, better yet, use a loud voice!

Shout that “N” word at them!

It feels good, actually.

The look on their shocked faces, the jaw-dropping, truly horrified looks you will get are absolutely priceless!

It is amazing how one little word can stop a person in their tracks.

How they can be floored that you actually have the guts to look them in the eye and use that “N”

word with conviction.

To truly mean it. 

It would undoubtedly change a lot of the demanding, disrespectful nature of today’s youth if adults would just revert back to this one tried and true solution.

I know that to some of you, it may seem out dated and even a bit crass, but I do believe it is the beginning of a much needed solution to change the way these kids act.  

It will hopefully at least put a chink in their flimsy armor built of self- importance and entitlement.

Maybe even cause them to reevaluate their circumstances and begin to appreciate what they’ve been given, and to begin teach them to actually work hard to get ahead instead of us giving everything to them. 

I’m telling you, just try it. Don’t be so afraid. 

Look at your kid and let it fly.

I promise you that after the first time, it gets easier.

Just don’t back down.

This is long over due. It may be shocking at first, but it it for their own good.

Kids need a good dose of reality, instead of adults sugar coating everything and always giving giving and giving.

Make it your goal, why not start today? 

USE THE “N” WORD! 

Just try it and see how it changes things.

It’s about time to get today’s kids back on track and respectable behavior doesn’t come from giving them everything they whine and cry for.

Stand tall.

Use the dreaded “N” word. 

Yes, indeed, do it.

Just try!!

Just say “NO”. 

 

 

(I must state that by using the word “chink” in my dialog up there, it is to not be taken out of context, nor it is in any way to be misconstrued as offensive or as any kind of derogatory slur)

 

 

 

January 4, 2013 Posted by | funny | , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments


I didn’t realize that they have done away with the “Walmart Greeter”.

How sad is that?

The Greeter- you know who I mean, right?

They stood right at the doors, and they caught you coming in and going out.

For the majority of the time, it was one of a select demeanor, who was definitely a senior citizen, (probably retired), a person who would be either deaf or on Prozac. You’d know by the greeting. Looks are really deceiving when it comes to the Greeter.

There is the one guy who is wearing his creased dress pants, maybe even a bow tie, and of course, that snazzy Walmart vest.  He always smiles and walks energetically around in a tight area, right by the door.  He loved it when you were coming in with kids, because he used to just love to give the kids stickers on their hand.

He was spry, full of energy and pep. ..

WAIT, why don’t they give stickers anymore?

That’s rude!

My kids used to have to “be good” until we got there so they were “allowed” to get a sticker, and then we’d play a special game with it. They would have to close their mouths and stick the sticker on. Whoever’s sticker was still stuck on the stickiest by the end of the shopping trip won.

Think about that beautifully executed mommy-move.

Lol, but I digress…

Ok, anyhow, the Greeter.

Well, if  it wasn’t the smiley, peppy guy, it was a teensy little lady that was just adorable, with her bulky sweater and sensible orthopedic-ish-looking shoes. She was darling and sweet and she shook as she waved but was happy to see everyone. Yeah, it was this wonderful little lady who would be there no matter which time I bought something like a DVD or a video game and the comedians at the register didn’t deactivate my security bar on the package so, naturally, the store alarm blares as I am leaving.

I stop, (definitely feeling a bit self-conscious) and she motions me over to her little desk. I give her my receipt and she starts going down the list, checking each item, seeing what may have set off the alarm. Problem is, she is pretty close to legally blind and she is shaking like an unbalanced washing machine on the rinse cycle.   I finally convince her its the DVD and point to the spot on the receipt that shows the purchase. She clutches the receipt and cranes her neck up to look at where I had pointed. After 3 valiant attempts,she gets the pen connected to the paper, and leaves the appropriate mark…20 minutes later, I am finally out the door.

 

Next Greeter, the “tag team”.

These are guys or ladies who are paired up together, and they work as a team.

I guess that could be fun for them.

And its a plus for us!

We finally have an advantage in playing “avoid-the-greeter” game.

I mean, come on, sometimes you are in a hurry or maybe you just don’t want to be nice.

Just plan your strategy here.

As soon as you see that they are distracted by talking to the people in front of you, speed up close and pass through right behind them. Its kind of encroaching on their exit space but its worth the dirty look, instead of getting caught by the chatty pair that are more than likely soused on caffeinated refreshments.

You have to steer clear, or, God forbid, once they get a grip on your cart, they hold on with those  little vice-grip hands and you can’t finally dislodge them and get past and out the door until they decide to let go.

And if you gently try to hint and slowly start to push as they are chatting to you and clinging on, they keep smiling but their eyes get darker and they lock down that power-grip and hold you right there. So you concede (after all, who is gonna drag an old lady who’s clamping on to your shopping cart out to their car?) You have to sneak out before they can get to you.

So stressful.

But, dang. No more Greeters.

Alright, so, is there anyone who knows why they got rid of the Greeters?  And the stickers, too. Why?

Kindness matters and Walmart took away 2 kind things they used to do for their customers. Why did they do that to us?

Ha, let’s show them that we, as customers, are making our displeasure known.

We will now shop in our pajamas…who’s with me?

November 19, 2012 Posted by | brilliant ideas, changing times, funny, giving, grateful, Hilarious, parenting, Really?!, thankful, Think About It, tradition, Truth, WHAT the BLEEP?? | | 11 Comments

BUTT, you’re crackin’ me up!!!


 

What is this horrible trend?

When did it become socially acceptable for everyone and anyone’s butt crack to hang out?

I remember, as a kid, butts were kept undercover. Unless you were getting a spanking and that’s a whole ‘nother blog…

Butt, (haha) now, you see people’s butt cracks everywhere you go!

Kids wear their pants all saggy and low with their butts showing. Granted, you can see their underwear and not always their naked rear end, but this trend is absurd!

I can’t understand how that can be comfortable, walking around with your droopy drawers. Kinda looks  like a toddler with a too-full diaper that is no match for gravity and just hangs way down. Eww.

What if, God forbid, the zombie apocalypse really happened, and you had to run for your life? Your pants would fall the rest of the way down and you would trip and wipe out and be caught then bitten by zombies, all because you thought you were trendy and cool.

See? Its NOT cool to have saggy pants!

Who decided that it was?

Turning the other cheek, I must also say there are many (there’s no age limit here) girls that I have seen that just wear pants that are way too-small and they end up squeezing their mid section up and out of the waistband like a popped can of Pillsbury biscuits…their butt cracks are shamelessly on display along with about 6 inches of doughy waistline.

 

Pull down your shirt! Cover that up! Yipes!

Now, don’t get all defensive. I am not picking on anyone that has a few pounds to lose. I am saying, just wear the right size pants  Just because you buy a size small does not mean you ARE a size small. And that’s ok, just respect yourself enough to wear clothes that fit. There is no need to display any flesh that should instead be covered up by clothes.  One of the reasons for wearing clothes would  be covering up some of your body that just does not need to be exposed, right?  Keeping that bod under wraps is showing a level of respect of your own self as well as being respectful to others. I think if you’ve “got it”, you don’t have to flaunt it!  Dressing tastefully and appropriately makes you look much more beautiful than flashing some butt crack or love handles.

I know, this younger generation today KNOWS whats cool, right?  Hmm.  So explain how it makes you cool to display your butt!

Whether it is due to wearing clothes that are too small,  or choosing saggy pants, either case can be remedied. You don’t have to follow the crowd with this disturbing trend! Ass, I mean, ASK yourself, aren’t I worth more than this? (You ARE!)

Does showing everyone your butt  make you fit in?

Um. No. Apparently, something is about you is NOT fitting in. Namely, your butt in your pants.

BUY the RIGHT size clothes!  The size doesn’t matter as long as it fits you correctly!  No butts about it!

November 18, 2012 Posted by | brilliant ideas, funny, gross, Hilarious, Think About It, Truth, WHAT the BLEEP?? | 8 Comments

Thanks for WHAT???


You get a lot  people who, since it’s November, decide to list all these reasons on their social media site (ok, Facebook) as to why they are thankful.

Here is where I throw the bullshit chip down!

Just because this is a month with a holiday in it called Thanksgiving does not mean you are one bit grateful. Not you, specifically, but all of y’all in general.

I mean, come on.

Everyone gathers together for this huge meal and stuffs themselves. This day is supposed to commemorate the Pilgrims and Indians coming together and sharing their blessings. Not a day of eating excessively and watching football on TV…

So, don’t you think it is much more fitting if everyone could truly be thankful on this day and really share their blessings?

Sadly, America has many homeless, poor, and some broken and very lonely people. Why not share your blessings and reach out to someone in need?

There are so many excuses from all the grateful people…”I don’t know who to help” , “I don’t know how to help anyone”…Oh come on!

You can and should help right in your own community.

You could anonymously drop off  a gift card to a local grocery store at a needy family’s house. If you truly don’t know of a needy family, ask at your local church, or elementary school.

You could volunteer your time at a food bank or soup kitchen.

You could visit elderly patients who are forgotten in nursing homes. Do it as a family and teach your kids how to truly be grateful. And maybe they will see how blessed they are.

Since this is a time to be especially thankful, why don’t you show it instead of saying it on your Facebook page?

Don’t say you are struggling and can barely feed your own family. Barely feeding them is still not going hungry, like so many do.

Your time is the most valuable thing you can give.

Remember that and teach that to others.

Teach it by doing, not by saying.

There is no need to say you are grateful and thankful if you really don’t act like it.

So, go help somebody, however you can.

Share your blessings.

The more you give, the richer you will be.  That is what Thanksgiving is about.

November 12, 2012 Posted by | brilliant ideas, parenting, Really?!, Think About It, Truth | , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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